By Ruby Perez
People yelled behind rooms, sobbed, and banged against the walls, echoing through the psychiatric facility, where my mom sat gripping paperwork in her trembling hands. The smell of hand sanitizer lingered while nurses rushed through the hallways, calling names one after the other. Just a few hours earlier, my mom had finally built up the courage to go to her local clinic looking for answers as to why she had been feeling so off. After desperately answering questions on a health questionnaire, the clinic staff did not let her leave and transported her to a psychiatric facility for monitoring.
“I went to the doctor so they could help me,” she explained. “I felt so bad that I answered honestly on the list they gave me.”
“I kept thinking, ‘No, I’m not bad enough to be in this place,’” she recalled as her surroundings of chaos only intensified the anxiety and fear inside her.
Being there made her feel as though something was truly wrong with her, as if being in the facility meant she was incapable of being a mother. Yet by the time my mom reached that clinic, postpartum depression (PPD) had already spent months quietly unraveling parts of her life.
The first thing my mom remembers after bringing me home from the hospital might not be what everyone thinks. It wasn’t happiness nor joy but guilt and disconnection. Guilt for not wanting to take care of her newborn. Disconnection from simply wanting to be alone all day. While the beginnings of motherhood should feel like an abundance of warmth, her story was different.
Before becoming a mother, my mom was motivated, free-spirited, selfless and deeply devoted to her family. Always at family gatherings, running errands, and approaching life with optimism. Motherhood was something she anticipated with excitement and love like most new moms do. However, after giving birth she was overwhelmed with feelings of strain, responsibility and emotional numbness. Mornings felt horrid, baby cries felt unbearable, small chores piled up.
PPD was an “illness without physical pain,” my mom described, an invisible struggle hidden behind society’s expectations of motherhood.
Growing up in Mexico, conversations surrounding mental health were limited, and many emotional struggles were often dismissed as exhaustion, laziness or simply being crazy. Even though today depression has been recognized and accepted as a mental health condition, the lack of awareness at the time combined with cultural stigma, made her internalize many of her symptoms rather than recognizing them for signs of a condition. Symptoms for postpartum depression extend beyond sadness, according to a study published by the NIH, explaining that childbirth involves multiple changes that hinder a mother’s emotional well-being and ability to care for a newborn. Research by Stewert and Vigod at the University of Toronto, further explain that PPD is connected to rapid hormonal fluctuations after childbirth, including sudden drops in estrogen and progesterone. These hormones are responsible for helping stabilize stress responses and function. Rather than developing from a single cause, PPD often emerges through day-to-day interactions and stressors after childbirth.
Throughout her first months of motherhood, my mom remained unaware that the emotions consuming her were symptoms of PPD. She remembers staying awake long after everyone went to sleep, sitting in silence without an urge to do house duties, feeling emotionally drained by responsibilities she had no care in handling.
“I wasn’t sleeping, eating, or feeling anything. I looked at my daughter and felt happy to see her, yet at the same time I felt overwhelmed with responsibility,” she told me.
Feeling intense guilt about me having her as a “careless” mother, she blamed herself for failing to meet society’s expectations of motherhood. Routine moments in her life began feeling like tons of weights on her delicate shoulders. She described hearing me blubber and immediately wishing someone would step in instead, or small responsibilities of even dressing me in the mornings built up faster than she could mentally process them.
“I just wanted someone to tell me, ‘Give me the baby and I’ll take care of her for a few days,’” she told me.
Mayo Clinic notes that postpartum depression can involve severe exhaustion, anxiety, hopelessness, and difficulty in doing daily tasks after giving birth. Prolonged sleep deprivation and changes in neurotransmitters such as serotonin and dopamine, chemicals in the brain responsible for mood regulation and emotional stability, can intensify feelings of numbness and detachment during the postpartum period.
As the weeks stretched into months, my mom found herself counting down the hours till the nighttime, hoping sleep would temporarily quiet the heaviness she carried through the days. Interactions became shortened, meals grew untouched, and her ‘baby blues’ didn’t seem to lift until she realized what she was experiencing was simply not part of adjusting to motherhood and decided to finally seek help. She delayed seeking treatment due to ignorance, judgement, and most of all fear.
“I kept waiting to see if it would go away with time, but it kept getting worse. I was scared to go to the doctor because I thought maybe they would take [you] away,” she admitted during our interview. As if the doctor would see she was incapable of being a mother.
Research surrounding postpartum depression explains that many women delay seeking treatment since symptoms are often out of the ordinary stress from motherhood, especially with stigma surrounding mental health. This silencing worry is similarly portrayed in the film, “A Mouthful of Air” where the main character Julie, struggles with PPD and the expectations of being a warm and qualified mother. Like my mom, Julie moves through motherhood feeling isolated despite being surrounded by family and forcing smiles through conversations, carrying emotions she cannot explain rather than openly seeking support in fear of judgement. The film’s portrayal reflects how PPD can become hidden beneath performances of “normalcy,” where pressure and stigma are the underlying cause of not reaching an answer sooner.
Looking back, my mom described this as the most emotionally difficult period of her life. Nevertheless, once she sought help, doctors eventually determined that while she was not in immediate danger, she still needed mental health support and referred her to a psychiatrist. What began as a period of most emotional difficulty unexpectedly became the beginning steps toward her recovery. Even though healing did not happen immediately, my mom explained that her recovery process was slow and steady once she started receiving professional help and medication. Little by little, she started feeling like herself pre-pregnacy, with no fluctuating hormones or unneeded fatigue. The changes were not dramatic or marked by breakthroughs, but appeared seamlessly in the routines she had once abandoned. Six months into treatment, she found herself stepping into the shower with no difficulty, sweeping rooms that had long gone uncleaned, and eagerly looking forward to my next milestones as a baby rather than counting down the hours till night. For the first time in months, ordinary daily tasks no longer felt barring. Guilt and dread was no more as she slowly began to cherish every aspect of motherhood.
“I became excited for everyday life again,” she explained. “I slowly started taking back my responsibilities as a mom and wife.”
Today, my mom wishes she could help or even listen to women going through PPD as an allied source, since “that’s what I needed during that time,” she explained.
Her experiences challenged my understanding of postpartum depression, revealing it as far more than a temporary period of sadness after childbirth. Although her treatment led to her recovery, the fear of experiencing her condition again never fully disappeared. The possibility of reliving that period of her life made her afraid to become pregnant again, and despite my dad wanting more children, she continued postponing until eventually I remained an only child.
Not every story follows the same path. In “A Mouthful of Air,” Julie’s recovery never reaches a resolution, as her condition ultimately ends up consuming her through suicide. While their outcomes differ, both PPD stories reveal how the conditions extend far beyond the stereotypical “baby blues”, leaving effects that last long after labor. Together the stories challenge the way PPD is understood by society, calling for a greater sense of awareness and support for those struggling in silence.
References
Carlson, Karen, Yusra Azhar, Waquar Siddiqui, and Saba Mughal. 2025. “Perinatal Depression.” National Library of Medicine. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing. January 22, 2025. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519070/.
Koppelman, Amy, dir. A Mouthful of Air. New York: Stage 6 Films, 2021. Film
Marín-Morales, Dolores, Susana Toro-Molina, Cecilia Peñacoba-Puente, Marta Losa-Iglesias, and Francisco Javier Carmona-Monge. 2018. “Relationship between Postpartum Depression and Psychological and Biological Variables in the Initial Postpartum Period.” Maternal and Child Health Journal 22 (6): 866–73. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10995-018-2461-x.
Mayo Clinic. 2022. “Postpartum Depression - Symptoms and Causes.” Mayo Clinic. November 24, 2022. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617.
Rae, Diana. 2025. “Navigating the Biological Landscape: The Role of Hormones, Genetics, and Neurotransmitters in Postpartum Depression.” Postpartum Support International (PSI). February 13, 2025. https://postpartum.net/navigating-the-biological-landscape-the-role-of-hormones-genetics-and-neurotransmitters-in-postpartum-depression/.
Stewart, Donna E., and Simone N. Vigod. 2019. “Postpartum Depression: Pathophysiology, Treatment, and Emerging Therapeutics.” Annual Review of Medicine70 (1): 183–96. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-med-041217-011106.